www.seipokai.com

I feel absolutely elated when someone decides that I play an important role in their lives. Trust and being trusted. Its as if when someone decides to depend on me that I feel the most alive. Do I feed off their trust to me? Or am I the sort of person that sincerely likes and wants to help others? Am I the sort of person that would fuck people off after I’m done feeding off them? Forgetting who they are and what they were to me? Am I such a bastard?
Why am I asking all this questions? Another session of self mirroring I suppose. Don’t we all do that sometimes, sit down in a quiet room and ask yourself “What the fuck is wrong with me?” At times I can’t live without my friends. At times I just want them out of my hair. And yet I worry that when I don’t answer calls or messages or IM’s I’d hurt their feelings and yet I still want that space, that space to be in my own little world, my own little fucking existence. It irks me. I remember a point a few years back where I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be a hermit actually, not being disturbed at all so that I have the total flexibility to be an absolute bastard to myself, being a total slob. After a while I start coming out of that little shell of an existence, yearning for companionship and what do I get in return? Sharp stares from my friends and comments such as: “So difficult to answer you phone ka?” or “Dunno how to reply sms ka?” or “Cibai, so rude la you!”.

I have to say it is my fault. But then doesn’t everybody want a bit of space sometimes? Or am I just stereotyping like I always do?
I long for companionship and yet I push them so far away at times. Tsk tsk… Alex you’re one sei pok kai… hence the name of the blog/site. Appropriate isn’t it?