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2.00 a.m. 26th July 2006, and what am I doing?

Me and my good mate Dheem cracking our heads over a Unix assignment. Life is grand isn’t it? Well this is college life, spending countless sleepless nights over assignments and cramming at the last minute for the finals.

At these trying times when your eyes/brain/hands are at the verge of giving up and your morale is at an all time low, such simplest things would bring you through.

What I do enjoy during these times are the nice conversations when we go for our breaks. I long for a meaningful conversation with someone and Dheem is an excellent yum cha kaki. Topics range from the simplest little things like the hottest girls in college to deep thoughts about life and existence. A good cup of teh tarik, roti canai and a pack of smokes. “The simplest things in life are always the best”, A saying that holds up to itself very well indeed.

Who ever would have known that an old, quaint (albeit dirty) mamak shop would be paradise away from it all at 3.52a.m. in the morning?

I just have to fucking vent. I feel so fucking angry with myself right now. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK… WHY DON’T YOU JUST HAND ME A FUCKING GRENADE SO I CAN SWALLOW THE DAMN THING AND BLOW MYSELF TO FUCKING PIECES. ITS NOT LIKE YOU FUCKING CARE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE. KNNB CCB… I would happily let you FUCKING SHOOT ME if that makes you happy. Its not like I’m asking you a whole lot but then you just have to fucking disappoint me. OH WTF. Well you didn’t exactly disappoint me, WELL NOT EXACTLY YET la…

Pardon me, I’m in a jealous fit at the moment. I hope my efforts are worth it. I hate to see my efforts go down the well. It sickens me to think that I’m wasting effort, time and money on something that might not happen. It irks me even more knowing that my father is slaving his ass off everyday and yet I’m here in a scene of disparity. I sincerely wants him to be happy and that includes financially with out a doubt. My father always tells me that money is not a problem, he wants me to be happy with everything and seeing all he wants is to see me swimming in a pool of success. Which is hardly what I’m achieving at this point. It disgust me that I look into a mirror and all I see and a person that slacks off non-stop. I can’t exactly say that money is tight for me. I’m thankful for my father and his never-ending efforts. I have so much love and respect for the guy, eventhough I’m frankly very-very afraid of him. He is man of stature, he showed me that a man could achieve something from zero. My mother always drills that into my mind. As I’ve said before, I hate effort going to waste. I’m indirectly I’m wasting my father’s efforts and it absolutely kills me to see that. Reading up on kennysia’s blog about how he endured losing his father is atkin to splashing icy-cold water onto my face. It seems that I’m just taking too much for granted. It reminded the time when I lost my grandmother. How numb I felt when I heard the news and how sad I was for the coming days. I miss her dearly even now, its been 2 years since she left all of us. She would always spoil me and I would always support her when one of her useless bastard of a son and his croonies (my uncle and his son) bullies her. I wanted to attend the funeral but my mother didn’t allow me for I had college to attend. And believe it or not I have never even been to her grave yet. What a pathetic grandson I am. There are gonna be changes and I really have to get the ball rolling.

While bashing on my notebook I found this little website HERE. Knock yourselves out and excuse me while I go shoot myself in the foot, the face, the heart. (Not necessarily in that order)